Several years ago, 2006 to be exact, Tamia released a tune titled “My Last First Kiss”.  The tune has been a favorite of mine since then. Take a listen.

I enjoy music… Lyrics are like icing on the cake.  As I listen to this tune I think about the main lyrics and how they compliment the melody and the harmonies. But as I’ve grown older, the lyrics have taken on several new meanings. I began to really analyze the lyrics and apply them to me…

“When it comes to you, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t even change the things I could change. ‘Cause baby your perfect, perfect to me. Simply means that you are perfect for me”

With growth comes change. And for me, change for the better. I wouldn’t change a thing about this journey that I’m on. I’m perfect for me.

“You’re the answer to, the prayer I haven’t prayed. Got me ready to settle down, I think I wanna say. I’m fallin’ in love with you. I’m so feelin’ all of this. Baby I’m praying that you’re my last first kiss.”

These lines make me think every time I listen to the song. When I can’t pray for myself, there are others praying for me…Praying that I am the answer to my prayers. That everything I truly need is found inside of me. Yeah I want someone to physically share my life with and it’s just that…a want. I rise to love of self daily.  I make that affirmation consistently.  For the few romantic relationships that I’ve had the pleasure of being a part of, the prayer the this was the last one, always eluded me. Not this time. I’m feeling all of this. The imagery of  a first kiss…a first touch…a first. Why can’t it be like the first time, every time? For me it can, and will.

“Feel what I’m saying, I hope that you’re the last, somebody to take me home to meet mom and dad. I hope that it’s the last fist time I say I love you. I hope that it’s the last first, time you say you love me too.”

See paragraph above.

“Don’t want to ever kiss and say goodbye. If you just want to kick it, then you’re wasting my time. ‘Cause my plan is to not just, have a hit and quit. My plan is to make you my last First Kiss.”

I have, in the past, often sold myself short. Often taking humility too far. Taking modesty to a level lower than I should. As I grow in age, I also have grown in the acceptance of my royalty. I am a King. I deserve to treat myself as such. I deserve to be treated as such. For me that means valuing my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual interactions. Taking care of this temple that I am temporarily inhabiting. If negativity is all you have to offer, I’ll pass.

“The first time I kissed you, I just knew it felt right. Then when I’m with you, I’m walking cloud nine. Just being with you makes my whole life shine…” 

The first kiss often feels right. or wrong. Nevertheless you will know. Have you ever felt like, after that first kiss, or that first major accomplishment, you’re walking on cloud 9 and it’s just you? Think about what that feels like when someone augments your life. building it up.  I feel like I shine bright on my own, but more light (the positive energy of another human being in life) means you shine brighter.

So, while some people may not get the correlations, that’s ok. I definitely don’t expect anyone to understand my thinking, my emotions, or the way I express myself. None of my posts require or are desirous of validation. This is a venue for me to share. A conduit to release the overflow of good vibes and positive energy.

This weekend, I will disconnect for a full day. No posting. No social media. No laptop. Very limited use of my phone. I will delete the apps from my phone and refesh them as the s[O][U]n rises sunday morning. This weekend will not be my last first…

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#Day72

#countingbackwards

#72to40

#2_18

Reflection on the relationship to self: Match Me!

72 days until my 40th Birth Anniversary and I am excited about what the future holds for me. I truly am a brother who has been and am continually being BLESSED!

I’ve only experienced 4 intimate relationships since the age of 19. As I’ve grown, I have come to the realization that time is necessary when deciding to be with someone. There are questions both spoken and unspoken. There are expectations that sometimes get clouded by the process of falling.

I have never been bitter about a breakup because I do believe there’s a blessing in every lesson. (shout out to India Arie)

I’ve never been mad about the results because I’ve made the choices that I’ve made in relationships.

I’ve forgiven myself. Over and over again. And because I am human, I will make mistakes again…and forgive myself again.

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. However, what I bring to the table is whatI was taught, matters.

This reflection is not specific to any of my past relationships and is not directed towards anyone. It is about me taking responsibility for my heart and my spirit.

So, MATCH ME. No, I am no implying that everything has to be a mirror image of my path but the similarities should be noticeable. Indulge me for a few moments if you will.

Stability: I have a 16+ year career in higher education. I’ve paid and continue to pay my dues in this field. I’ve worked hard and have been promoted and still have work to do but I’m stable. The diversity of skills that I’ve acquired, the passion I have for what I do, and the desire to continue to further those skills and education will take me far.

Financially: Transparent moment. I’ve not always been financially stable. I wasn’t taught how to save money growing up. Nevertheless, I took the initiative to change that trajectory. I now have investments, savings, retirement funds (plural), and am working towards being debt free. I can take care of me financially and the reality is, because of the work I have done, I have the capability to support another.

Education: Education is important to me. Haven’t always been the smartest but I’ve worked hard and am in the process of completing my 3rd and final degree. Nevertheless, it’s not always about a formal education. I have a desire to educate myself on other realms such culture, languages, politics, and people. Match me with your desires to better yourself or to grow.

I could go on and on about what I bring to the table but the premise behind this reflection is that I have come to the understanding that I have to take responsibility for me. I am confident that what I bring is substantial enough to sustain a partnership with someone who can MATCH ME.

Be confident in what you have to offer holistically and not just in one area or another.

#100daysofreflection

#lifePositiveNforward

#100to40

Oh what we have is worth it
And we can’t just desert it
We gotta keep going strong
It’s not worth keeping if it’s not fighting for
No matter how long it takes
I’m willing to wait, we can’t lose to hate
Cause we were built for love
-PJ Morton

I still believe in the words of this song…my reflection on it however, has changed.

I  still admit I’m not perfect and don’t think that I will ever be but what I am is resilient. I have experienced the feeling of love and being loved and being in love, and although when I first composed the post, Late Afternoon Thoughts: Built For Love I knew I had never been that much in love ever. I had been so used to letting go when it get’s rough because I seem to be the one always messing up. I actually wanted to fight for this one but there was no fight left on the other side. And I get it and respect it.  The friendship, that was fostered before and during, remains intact and I am grateful…In the past, it’s not that it’s always been my fault, it’s that others with whom I have been involved never took responsibility for their part in the relationship or the breakup (Good, Bad, or Indifferent).

It’s was different this time and it will be even more different the next time. I am still a fighter. The next heart that I am able to prove my love to will be worth it. Together we will champion the cause of Love because it is worth it. We’ll both be built for Love.

I have given Long Distance love 2 chances and I am clear that there are some things that I did wrong both times. I relaxed my expectations, I didn’t speak my mind enough. I think I spoke my heart too much. I think I’ve exhausted my Long distance love chances, and I’m ok with that.

The next time I will court. I will not engage in the clouding of judgement. I will still give everything. I will be accountable to me and my heart. I will take inventory of everything that I experience, I will not relax my expectations. I will be more verbal with my mouth but also continue to speak with my heart.  God has built me and prepared me for this.

Word of Advice: Each of us only has 1 life. If you are looking for love or waiting for love to find you, patience will do you well. When love comes, don’t run from it. Embrace all that it is. I am not at all trying to paint this pretty picture because that’s not the truth of love. The truth of love (in intimate relationships and other “ships”) is that there will be ups and downs, there will be mistakes on behalf of both parties. There will be hurt…sometimes not enough to let go and others, too much to handle right away but Love is more powerful than pain. If you’re willing to throw it away because it’s not perfect, you’ll never really know love.

“When you believe in love you have to be prepared to hurt until you find the one that is willing to say no matter what, it’s worth it.”

I made this statement and didn’t realize the impact it would have on others, but also on me. We tend to be quick to discount love because of something we went through that might have hurt or been painful.

There’s this expectation that you can’t love, and hurt, and still be in love or fall in love again. I’m a witness that it happens.

In relationships, we often think that when a breakup happens, there must be sadness.  However, when you’ve developed a friendship before the relationship (foundation), sadness should be the most minute emotion. Not saying that there shouldn’t be any, but it should limited. You’re good, and will continue getting better and healing after a breakup.

While I am a believer in taking your time, healing is easier when you’ve become confident in who you are, and what you have to offer, concerning relationships.  I’m clear that I’m built for love (see built for love post).

For me, I’m prepared to give all of me every time. Call it what you want to but I know what’s best for my heart.  I have no regrets concerning my previous romantic relationship. We loved hard and we both made mistakes… at some point, there was a lack that needed to be fulfilled. I really have a thorough understanding of who I am and how that fits into a relationship with someone else. I am good. I will have moments(memories), but they won’t be bad and any bad feelings won’t last long. I have things to accomplish and a future to work on and continue preparing for. This is but another building block to get me where I am supposed to be.

I don’t speak for anyone but me when I say that hurt exists in love. For me I need both of them. They both sustain and build. I believe in love. The power of it to heal. The power of it to change outlooks. To see the good, the not so good, the hopeful and the hopeless.

If you’ve never been in love…

As I received notice this morning, of the death of a young man, I began to immediately reflect on the idea of sacrifice. You see, not many people understand true sacrifice…That moment when you’ve said you’d lay down your life for someone else’s and that moment actually arrives…or when you make the acclimation that you’d give someone the shirt off your back until you come across someone who really needs it.

Lots of people speak about sacrifice but never have really practiced it.

As I continued to reflect, I began thinking about the things that I have given up over the years, the compromises I’ve made, the intention with which I’ve done things to ensure the happiness of others while sometimes neglecting my own and or not being concerned with reciprocation. Then it hit me. I’d be so disappointed if I predicated my sacrifices (or level of sacrifice) on expectations of returns in the same manner.

God has blessed me and given me a responsibility that I don’t think I asked for, but have accepted nonetheless. I understand that people will not have the same responsibility or even feel the need to repay you in the manner of which you have done for them.

I choose, not to compare what I do for others to what they do, or don’t do, for me.

I choose to be responsible for my own happiness and not to depend on a person, place or thing for that.

I choose to continue living in what I believe God has assigned me to do.

What do you choose?

Make sure your sacrifice does not come from a place of greed or gain. Always choose you first because if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t expect that someone will. But also, because how can you be there for someone else when you are in pain emotionally, mentally, and or physically?

How can you sacrifice for someone else when you’ve neglected to make sacrifices for yourself?

 

So I used to write poems and I still do sometimes. Here are some rediscovered poems that I penned a few years ago.

Hope you enjoy

Senses

When you think the last person alive
Just left you
When you feel like no one can ever touch you
Like that again
When you see that something worth having is worth
Waiting for

You came into my life
You kissed me
Your touch made me realize
Someone else was born
You made me realize I could feel that way again
It made me see that I am worth having and you are worth waiting for
You made me come to my senses
~divad ’97

? (the question)

When we were lovers
Were we friends?
We loved;
but never as friends
When we were friends
Were we not lovers?
~divad ’97

Love Song II

If it pleases you,
May I kiss the lips
That speak soft words to my heart?

A night so cold.
Rain is the symphony that
Soothes my mind.
Thoughts of you

The wind reminds me
of your voice
Whispering softly as the coldness
Encompasses it.

Time was not the issue
Desires were prompt
Was it mutual?

Can I stop kissing you now?
~divad ’97

Solemn

As I sit alone
I cry
I sit
As I cry alone

Tears have left;
entering into emotion
exiting through frustration
submerging excitement
They left alone.

As I cry alone
I sit
I cry
As I sit alone
~divad ’98

Stress

Times are changing,
They call for desperate measures
Were we always this way?

People, in one way or another,
Change.
For the good
For the bad,
Yet we find ourselves
Still the same.

We wander from day to day
Trying to find ourselves in others,
Places, things , materialistic genres.
Yet we can only find ourselves
Within. When will we realize?

Someone said
“ Free at last”
yet we’re not free and
last is where we stand
when it comes to our freedom.

Where is all this peace
The signs,
Gestures,
Songs,
Poems,
Plays,
Dances and
The painting of pictures and the people who
Partaking in a political party that keeps me pissed off because
They can’t put themselves in a position to just rest.
Struggle.

Times are changing
Stress Out.
~divad ’95

This week has been an up and down week for me. Had some ups and some downs. Some disappointments and some realizations ( having more and more of these every day). One thing that I learned or actually that I accepted during all of this is that no matter how much time or distance or circumstances separate you, true friends pick up where they left off. Even when the communication is less than consistent true friends either understand or they don’t but the fact still remains, they will still always be there for you, give you the shirt off their back, and be that shoulder if you need to cry or that ear just to listen. I take responsibility for my actions. I know when it comes to my friends I’m not as consistent as I need or would like to be but not one of them that I call my TRUE FRIEND has ever turned their backs on me. I am grateful thankful and truly blessed. If you have a true friend cherish them if you are a true friend remain understanding and never lose sight of what you have been blessed with.

Time and space are only bridges that keep friendships connected.
Love you
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